Thursday, January 9, 2014

Killer Women: The Review

Hell yeah!! I'm so excited about this show. This show is going to be so good that I'm sure there are about 12.4 million Americans propped in front of their televisions waiting to watch it. You can tell from the tag line it's going to be good: Justice Never Looked So Good. This is going to be EPIC!

It starts like every good TV show should: the backside of a hot babe in a red dress, brunette hair blowing in the wind, standing in the middle of the street. Is that the Alamo? Who cares. Of the 12.4 million Americans, 46 of them noticed the building. The rest are either making sure their moms aren't seeing the television, looking at their husbands to see just how hot they think this woman is, or staring open mouthed at their screens with a spoonful of Raisin Bran hovering a few inches from their lips, 2% milk dripping onto their laps.

I do love Raisin Bran.

The lady in red stalks off screen and ends up at a church. She stops in front of it and stands in the middle of the street for a few seconds. She really does like standing in the way of traffic. I guess that's the deal you make with the devil to have legs like that. I imagine old Scratch says, "a'ight, girl. You want a set o' fine ass legs, you gots to stand in the middle of traffic as often as possible. And I mean for a whole mess o' time. Three count, at least."

(Editor's Note: Why does old Scratch sound like  Brer Rabbit?)
(Writers answer: That's supposed to be Creole)

Cut to a bunch of dudes riding horses, chasing down a cow. Wait! That's not a dude. That's Tricia "Battlestar Galactica" Helfer! She's playing Molly Parker. I should just put this damned bowl down. I don't suspect I'll be doing much eating for the next hour.

But, you can leave your hat on! aren't wearing a hat.
Giggity giggity.

Molly Parker needs a chose a dress. She doesn't want to, of course. Every woman knows that cow wrestling is less stereotypical than dress-wearing. And Molly Parker ain't no dress-wearing tart. She's bad ass! But, she frowns and goes to try on dresses anyway. Point made, I guess.

Back to the lady in red, who I've never seen looking as lovely as she did tonight. I've never seen her shine so bright. Mmm mmm, mmm mmm. She's interrupting a wedding, and BLAM BLAM!! The lady in red shoots the bride a few times. She runs out of the church, takes her shoes off like some homicidal Cinderella, and drives away in a hail of bullets!

Hey, Molly Parker is getting a call. Turns out, the bride is...was...a district attorney. Dress trying is over! Vrooommm!!! Molly Parker is back to being badass, driving her black Chevy Tahoe in hot pursuit.. And, of course, she's the first one to catch up to our lady in red. Molly Parker runs her off the road and...Oh shit! That's not her! That's some fat old dude in a cowboy hat! The lady in red has disappeared. There's nobody here. Just you and me. It's where I wanna be.

I suspect, however, that there are only about 8.6 million Americans watching this show.

We watch Molly Parker interview a blood-spattered husband, after watching her do a slo-mo reveal that she's a GASP Texas Ranger. I didn't know they let girls be Rangers. What next? A girl FBA agent!?!? What year is this set in??? The FUTURE?!?!?

A show written for women, by women.
All my female friends have been chomping at the bit for this one.

And, in perfect timing for the next commercial they find out where the lady in red is hiding! She's holed up in a hotel. Texas Rangers away!!

I suspect that 2.6 million Americans are also away!

The Texas Rangers bust in and get her. I'm sure she's going to put up a helluva...

Nope. They got her. No fight or anything. I check the time. Eight minutes in. Hmmm. I eat my Raisin Bran. There are fewer guns than I was hoping for. I recognize the lady in red, though. It's Nadine "My Name is Earl...but not really, it's Nadine" Velazquez. This explains why she was missing from all those episodes of the "The League."

I wonder how Ruxin would look in a red dress.

So, after about 5 minutes of male police harassment and railroading, some soul searching by Molly Parker, Molly realizes that the cops have it wrong. There's something else going on here. "Her nails were chipped." Molly Parker says. "You don't shoot the wife of your soul mate without looking like the one he should have picked."

"EUREKA!" I yell.

1.6 million Americans yell with me.

We spend the next 10 minutes in a blur of backstory. Molly Parker is trying to get divorced but her man ain't having it. We learn a few times that she's a woman in the Texas Rangers, just in case we missed it. We find out that Molly Parker's brother is Michael "I was also on Battlestar Galactica" Trucco.

"Hey, I was on TV, too!"

And we learn about her instincts some more. She's got 'em, goddamn it. And she's going to use them. She gets some evidence in a way that the writers can't explain, so wrastle up a real live montage scene. And suddenly, Bob's your uncle, we have a link to the DEA.

Molly Parker is going to use her feminine wiles on DEA agent Marc "I was Buffy's Annoying Boyfriend, Reilly" Blucas. They have sex. It isn't sexy. At all. I barely watch. I find out that there are hundreds of raisins in every box of my Post Raisin Bran. My cereal box is more interesting than this sex scene.

46,000 Americans agree. I yawn. This scene takes much longer than it should.

And happens. My-Name-Is-Girl is in the shower in prison. YES! Prison shower scene.

Then, I remember it's ABC and not HBO. I yawn again and consider...

OH SNAP!! Some bitches done killed her! Look at all the blood! There's almost a WB amount of blood! Or a TNT amount! Almost!

Oh. Psyche! She isn't dead. Which is good, because NOW we get the crux of what makes Molly Parker Molly Parker. Molly Parker Molly Parker's her way into the prison hospital and talks some more and now we learn that 1) Molly Parker was a battered wife and has never told a soul, and 2) the Mexican cartel has kidnapped the child and madre of My-Name-Is-Girl. Molly Parker swears she's going to get them back.

She calls her friend Reilly and they have some sexual banter and finally, in a very macho, unsexist way, she manages to pout and look pitiful and convince Reilly to endanger the lives of his cartel contacts in order to mount a rescue across the border. Reilly grimaces and says that it's just the two of them. Molly Parker agrees. Reilly says, "There's an excellent chance we're going to die in Mexico tonight."

2,478 Americans wonder if that's not such a bad thing. I sigh. I refill my Raisin Bran and wonder what comes on after this.

I know, I know.  I prefer Kellogg's too.
But I didn't do the shopping.

I can't even begin to describe the way they rescue the grandma and daughter. I mean, it's like the re-enacted a scene from the A-Team frame for frame. There's a complicated plan, that doesn't go the way it's supposed to, there's a lot of bullets, none of which hit Reilly or Molly Parker or the grandma or little hija. The contact gets killed of course. There has to be SOME loss, or the show just won't be believable. They speed out of there chased by trucks and jeeps and about 100 cartel killers. They knock over some conveniently placed kerosene or diesel fuel or lamp oil. It's natural that it would be there. Molly Parker leans out of the window with a grenade launcher and WHOOOMP!! Chase over. The only thing this scene was missing was some yakety sax.

786 Benny Hill fans cheer! Also, 17 Three Stooges fan and 4 Three's Company fans. Killer Women has a diverse audience.

In the end, My-Name-Is-Girl gets her family back and her death sentence pled down to 10 years, Molly Parker grows a pair (I mean...umm...gets her uterus in up?!) gets femininely badass! She tells her husband to sign the divorce papers or she'll tell the world who he really is.  Then, she grabs her trumpet and goes to play with a group of mariachis in a Latino club.

I'm not making that part up. Trumpet. Mariachis (without those hats). Crowded bar. I mean, who DOESN'T want to watch a white Texas Ranger pop onto the stage in the middle of a song with a margarita in one hand and a trumpet in the other? I mean, obviously she's taking it very seriously.

Somewhere in America, a 32 year-old man in his grandma's basement is ordering the "Killer Women" poster from to add to his collection. He's also making a companion out of a half dozen of grandmas 's couch cushions and a sewing machine. We'll be the only two people watching the show next week.


Did you enjoy the show? If so, tell me about it. The readers would love a different opinion, I'm sure!

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