Saturday, March 9, 2013

The Art of Distraction


I am on the downhill slide of a very shitty few weeks. I fractured my elbow, caught the flu, got something that I thought was strep, went through mid-terms and I'm currently working on a project that has been one of the most intensive, short-term projects I've ever worked on. For nothing. This doesn't even have to do with my business. This is for someone else's business.

Now, before I delve into complaining too much about it, the truth is that I'm learning a lot. This is not about how terrible this project is. All that whining was simply so I could delay going back to it for just a few more seconds.

That's right. I'm working on the project RIGHT NOW! I should be researching condiment sales over the past 5 years (don't ask). Instead, I'm here.

And this isn't even the only distraction I'm partaking in.

Over on the next internet screen I'm on a little site you may have heard off. It's called youtube. Check it out. It may just catch on. I'm watching a movie called "Ninja Massacre". It's a full movie. A full, ninja-leaping-from-rooftops, long-eyebrowed-megalomaniacs, badly dubbed, whimpering-girls-who-suddenly-jump-90-feet-and-kick-someone's-ass martial arts extravaganza! I'm 11 minutes in and it's terrible.

Some old dudes are standing in a square when some ninjas and the long-eyebrowed man threaten to kill them all unless they turn over The Secret Message. Of course, there is no secret message, the old people say. Long-eyebrows isn't buying that crock of shit. The ninjas attack! And, as the title hints, it is a massacre. Arrows and swords fly, and the long-eyebrowed man kills the oldest of the old dudes with nary a sweat. But hark, what's that? A...wait...is that a baby? Someone is carrying a baby? Could THAT be the secret message!??!

Long-Eyebrows doesn't think so. He's about to slaughter that helpless ball of noise with a sword lined with a bunch of rings. Just as he's about to slice it open like a letter from Publisher's Clearinghouse, some chick comes leaping in out of nowhere! She dressed all in pink, like some pink power ranger of death. Pinkie Tuscadero and Long-Eyebrows go at it for a few seconds, then Pinkie grabs the baby and leaps out of there like a pink grasshopper fleeing a formation of black ants! BOING!

There's some exposition that I don't care about so I get some water and a handful of sunflower seeds. By the time I get back, Long-Eyebrows and his gaggle of ninja are gone. There's just a group of dead old people, like bingo night gone wrong.

Wait...maybe it's about to get better. Some young guy just came in and is trying to wake up his dead master. "Master!" he screams while shaking the oldest of the old dudes's body. A body riddled with arrows. Good thing Master wasn't just trying to get some rest. I'm sure shaking a dude riddled with arrows is probably not good for him. And right on cue... "I shall avenge you!" Damn right you will! This movie just got good as a motherfucker!

"Brow before me!"


But it will have to wait. I need to pause and...yes, there it is, still waiting for me. Work. Where was I? Oh yes...ketchups.

I spend a whole 15 minutes working. Did you know that childhood obesity is actually down in the state of NC? Did you know that there are only 5 states where that is the case? Do you care?

When I get to the point that I want to rip my left eyeball out of it's socket, I turn back over to the youtube. "NINJA MASSACRE!" I yell at the top of my lungs. I hit play.

Jimpao isn't dead. Our hero finds him struggling. "Who did this?" he asks. Jimpao croaks out something about the Mandarins or Tokugawa or The Hand or Splinter or something and our hero is about to cut into action.

But first, we have to cut to some chicks. Chicks in blue. Chicks who, in the credits, must be known by their hair styles. Pig Tails wonders where their Mistress is. Bangs agrees. They can't go on without their Mistress. So, just like that, they nominate a new Mistress. This one is the Lady in Red. Everyone agrees, including Side Pony Tail and Poof Top. Lady in Red reluctantly takes control. I've never seen her looking as lovely as she did that night!

Time passes...I guess. No one tells me it does, but Pinkie is washing some kid in a little bathtub and he's got some weird tattoo on his back and the kid is, like, 3 years old. And Pinkie says, "Aha, the secret message!" So, Pinkie "Sherlock Holmes" Tuscadero, now wearing white (so I understand if that gets confusing) decides to train the boy. He's leaping all over things, stabbing shit, getting dunked in the water and treated like crap, a la Karate Kid.

"I don't wanna train anymore!"

"You'll train if you know what's good for you!" she says while shaking her fist in the air!

I watch all the way through the training montage. That kid gets his ass handed to him. Also, we learn that Pinkie is blind. What???? She wasn't blind the last time we saw her. Mind blown, I flip back over to my assignment.

Did you know that Heinz has a 60% market share of all ketchup sales? Me either. Think about that next time you dip your french fry in ketchup. Or don't. I'm probably not going to.

I make it a full 20 minutes before the words in front of me start to blur. Which reminds me of that Blind Chick and the Secret Message Baby. I go back to the youtube. But first, I yell, "NINJA MASSACRE!"

Which kid are you? Hell, even the director can't tell you apart!


Chicks in white ninja uniforms lose to Young Revenger and some kid. Who the hell is this kid? It isn't Secret Message. That kid is getting his ass kicked by Blind Pinkie. A lot. I learn a valuable lesson. If I ever get busted spanking my kid in a Wal-Mart parking lot I'm just going to tell Social Services that I'm teaching the kid kung fu. Then, when the kid does something wrong I'm going to whack him across the back with a stick. Works every time.

Back to the training montage. Now there are two kids. Secret Message and Mystery Kid. There's no Rocky music, but there's some yakety sax that's just as good. Secret Message flailing around with a lot of wind sounds while Mystery Kid kicks down some trees. Secret Message fights some dudes (but it turns out those dudes are actually monkeys. Who wrote this movie. It's AMAZING!!)

Ok, I've got to get back to work. It'll be dinner time soon. I can use that as an excuse the watch the rest of this awesome...OH SHIT!! That Secret Message kid just broke into a castle and is beating the hell out of everybody!

Screw work. I'm going to make some popcorn in my wok and watch the rest of this movie!

Peace!










2 comments:

  1. Dude, you can't just leave us hanging!!! What happened in the end? I can't go watch this movie myself, Ain't Nobody Got Time For That!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  2. Ninja Massacre Crazy! You certainly are a story-teller-extraordinaire!

    ReplyDelete