Wednesday, December 12, 2012

A Live-Action "The Year Without a Santa Claus"

It's been awhile, I know. Nineteen hours of school will do that to you. I would apologize, but it seems incredibly uppity to apologize to you for not providing my own insight into the world. As if you have been sitting around in some post-apocalyptic world waiting for someone to bring fuel or water or electricity or the cold virus (I think I managed to cover every post-apocalyptic movie ever made with that one). Instead, I'll just hop into one of the things I was mulling over the other day:

TheWife and I were watching The Year Without A Santa Claus. She had never seen it. Can you imagine never having been exposed to this:

Well, the whole time I was watching I kept thinking about how amazing it would be to create a live-action version. I mean, who wouldn't run out to watch it? It would be in instant classic, like A Christmas Story 2 or  A Home Alone Christmas.

So, who would play these iconic characters? Who is worthy? Don't worry. I'll tell you!!

Oh god, is Santa dying??? Nope. Just a punk.
First, we have Santa and Mrs. Claus. Santa decided to puss out on Christmas. Apparently old St. Nick had the sniffles and decided the world could go screw itself. Santa can be a real whiney bitch sometimes. But Mrs. Claus is having none of it. She plays the heroin of our story. Sort of. So, who do we get to play this downer of a Santa and the upbeat Mrs. C? Well, when I think of whining I automatically think of Hayden Christensen, but I've sworn that if I have my way he'll never work in movies again! That leaves only one person:

Ricky Gervais as Santa? Well, only if he in't on screen very much!

Ricky Gervais has been whining his way through life since before the original The Office. Give him a shock of white hair and put a dab of red on his wee little nose and BOOM! Instant Whiney Claus! And to counter balance all that wine, how about a little class?

Does Helen Mirren sing? Could Shirley Booth???
The only way to salvage this is with some grace. She'll never sign onto the project, but we could ask. Because without her, it's doomed!

If only Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise could do this!

Then, we have the two actual heroes of the movie, Jingle and Jangle. These two elves are hilarious. Think Laurel and Hardy! Think Martin and Lewis! Think Scarecrow and Mrs. King! We need real comics to play these roles, not some wanna-be comedians like Eddie Murphy or Zach Braff. It's 2012! Let's mix it up a little:

Cross dressing elves? Hey, it's 2012! Get your head out of your ass and let this happen!
Mo'Nique is going to bring the funny!

These two would hit it off great. People have been waiting for this combo forever, even more then Will Smith and Kevin Kline. Dare I say, even more than Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson! Plus, I could see them becoming a very powerful Hollywood couple. We'd call them Eddique. Moneddie.

No, I have it:  Mo'Nizza.

Now, to the people that make this movie happen. The real stars of the film. The actors who are going to propel the movie into the top 10,000 movies of the world. At least! Without them, we won't be able to pay anyone. The movie will never make a profit. But when we bring these two in: BOOYAH! Every studio will be wanting to sign us up. Every producer will throw money at us! (Is that how movies work? I don't actually know. Let's assume.)

First, in the orange corner: weighing in at 247 pounds, the always angry ruler of the south, the master blaster, the Southern Heater, the hot-blooded check it and see gotta fever of a 103: The Heat Miser!

Wait til they get a load of him!

And, in the blue corner: weighing in at 123 pounds, the footloose and fancy free ruler of the north, Chilly Willy, the ice man who cometh, the cold-hearted snake look into his eyes - oh oh he's been tellin' lies: The Snow Miser!

This movie is his birthright!
And there you have it. The greatest Christmas movie ever not-yet-made. Just give me awhile. I'm sending letters to all of the actors involved. With a little luck, and a few Christmas miracles, we might just be able to get this baby off the ground!



  1. Ya, but would she let Eddie raid her closet? I'm not seeing that happen without him losing some teeth.

  2. LOL! It's all about the shoes! They would LOVE to share shoes!

  3. I don't think I'm allowed to say Mo'Nizza in public...

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