Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I Ain't No Fortunate Son, Naw!

8" x 12"
Oil on Canvas Board

I am the slowest runner in the world. I don't mean the slowest running person in the world. I mean, slowest of all god's creatures. I'm 6'2" tall with legs that can kick you while you're in the neighbor's house. You'd think I'd run like a gazelle. And I can. A newborn gazelle, while it's just coming out of the it's mother, wobbling around like a drunk girl at a frat party.

"Some folks were born with wings on their feet
Practically sailing through the air.
But when you ask them to join you on a run
They just sit like a koala bear, ya'll.

That ain't me. That ain't me.
I'm out there running like a little snail.
That ain't me. That ain't me.
Though I look like a newborn gazelle. YAWW!"

So, lately I've been listening to music that goes 180 beats per minute. Ideally, according to professional runners (how does a guy get that job?)

(Self-editing note: Not by running a 14 minute mile)

...a 90 steps-per-second cadence is the best. I'll buy that. But for the record, that's lightening fast! So, I load up pod runner, get a 180 beat track called Thud and Blunder, and run 3 miles in 1 minute intervals. 1 minute of walking. Relief. Then, 1 minute of running like I was a replicant being chased by Harrison Ford.

Maybe we can get Shia Lebeouf for a Blade Runner sequel!

I'm sure it's good for me. It'll get my legs used to moving faster. It also helps my heart, right? I mean, what could be better for your heart than regularly shifting it from Jim Croce all the way up to Anthrax every 60 seconds???

I've got less than 2 months for the Tough Mudder. I can finally do a pull up, so that's progress. I'm swimming once a week at a pace that would make sea anemones laugh. But I can run 13 miles without stopping, so at least there's that. And did I mention: I can do a pull up! Boom!

"Some folks were built with muscles in their backs
To help them lift some heavy shit.
But when you ask them to help you to move,
Aww, the whine about a slipped disc, Lord.

That ain't me. It ain't me.
I'll move a few things, but then no more, naww.
That ain't me. It ain't me.
'Cause I did a pull up and now I'm sore. BLAWWWW!"

(Self-editing note: Do I have to pay royalties. now? And, can I trade-mark "Blawwww!")


1 comment:

  1. You can come up to Frederick, MD, this Sunday and do the Tough Mudder with us. That way you can practice for when you do it for real......