Monday, September 24, 2012

5 Theme Songs For When There's Trouble!


You've felt the pressure. You've known something was coming over the horizon and that the other shoe was about to drop. Maybe you were sneaking out of the house to buy cigarettes. Maybe you were running from a burning car. Perhaps you were trying to diffuse some volatile situation. Maybe you were actually trying to diffuse a bomb. Hell, maybe you're ex was holding a gun/knife/sledgehammer over your head and you needed to leap into action, Jedi-style!

When this happened, you probably froze. Let's be honest. We don't often manage to pull out our inner hero until it's too late. But it doesn't always have to be that way. Sometimes, you just need some musical motivation. Here are 5 theme songs that will help you out in any situation. Then, the next time you're in a jam just let your personal soundtrack play and you'll be leaping out of harm's way in no time.

1. The Theme to MacGyver
When I was younger, this was the tune I heard in my head whenever there was trouble. I was too young to carry a gun (MacGyver never used guns) so you had to come up with some creative alternatives. This was the music I heard when I got a flat tire, or when I needed to fix the broken soap dispenser so I wouldn't get into trouble with my parents, or when I dropped my keys into a sewer grate and needed to fish them out with a coat hanger and with some wadded up gum on the end. Got them out by the end of the song!




That's right. He made a missile launcher out of a pen! MacGyver was badass!!

2. "Elk Hunt" from Last of the Mohicans
You don't use this one lightly. Save this one for when shit pops off on an epic scale! When you're getting chased across the city by a biker gang, or when you're running down some brigand who just murdered a member of your family! Better yet, save it for when you or the person you love are about to jump off a cliff or something. Just be sure to yell, "I WILL find you!" That way, they can keep the faith.

Also, carry a spear or a tomahawk or something. Remember, this is some life changing shit about to happen!




3. The Imperial March (Darth Vader theme)
Sometimes things get really bad. Sometimes there is some trouble to avoid. Sometimes there's trouble so bad you want to cry. But sometimes YOU are the trouble. When you feel like you're messing up someone's day and it's giving you a case of the rigids, then this is the music for you. Play this on your internal mp3 player and people will get the hell out of your way! You can't help but walk like the Dark Lord of the Sith. I use this when I'm in the mall during the Christmas holidays. You should see those shoppers part like the Red Sea. Except for teenage girls. They don't give a damn about me and my badass walk. Frankly, they frighten me a little bit. They have way too much confidence for something that looks so frail.




4. Yakety Sax (The Theme From Benny Hill)
Dude, sometimes you just have to get the hell outta Dodge. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. When you're being chased by a hoard of scantily clad women then you had better ratchet up those gears and get some Yakety Sax going!

Once, during the Gulf War, I was lost from my partrol. My buddy Anton and I were in a terrible fix. I had one bullet left and he had none. We were like Owen Wilson in that movie nobody saw about him being behind enemy lines. I can't remember the name of the movie. I just know it was something about him being behind enemy lines. Anyway, just when we thought we were in the clear, we saw about a dozen men coming for us. Luckily they were out of bullets, too. But they still had machetes...or maybe they were axes. Ask Anton, he was there. Anyway, we were dead meat! But then Anton says, "you know what we need??? Some Yakety Sax!"
 And, sure as I'm standing here, we both stood up and hauled ass out of there! They were right on our heels! And they would have caught us, too. But the whole time we were whistling the tune from Benny Hill, and after about 3 minutes of running around in circles and around trees and through scrub brush and through an abandoned automated car wash, we managed to elude our chasers with but a few scratches. So, trust me when I say this works! Yakety Sax saved my life!




5. I Am the Doctor (The danger music from Doctor Who)
Where I used to listen to MacGyver in my head, now I only hear the Doctor's theme. This music works from the lightest of problems to the most dangerous of situations. Just remember, this isn't for when you're in trouble. This is for when you're rescuing someone from their own troubles!

You're wife is getting yelled at by her boss: you put this music on in your head, put on a long trench coat, scarf, cape, tuxedo or umbrella. Don't forget your sonic screwdriver. Kick open the door and solve everybody's problem in the blink of an eye. There might be some yelling, but mostly you're handling business!

You're man gets a flat tire in a bad neighborhood and some hoodlums start rousting him: get your floating metal dog, find a scooter that you can tweak so it goes 55mph, haul ass over to where he is and snag him. No deaths, but lots of bullets flying!

Watch 7 people die in a Wendy's from mysterious circumstances: Curse at yourself for a couple seconds, then declare "NOT ON MY WATCH!" Get on the intercom, make a quick speech, arrange some straws in a clever pattern, squirt some light waves through them and voila! You have just saved the day!

Your city is about to be invaded by the Chinese/Germans/Huns/New Zealanders and the National Guard will NEVER get there in time: You find a high place to stand, wait for the invaders to get close enough to hear your uplifted voice. You put this music on in your head, put your hands on your hips and tell the invaders that you love this land, and it's people and there is no way you're going to let them be hurt. Remind them that you've already defended the people from the Canadians/Lilliputians/Columbians/Great Pyreneesians and then give them one warning. Be sure to tell them that you are "The ________" I always say, "I'm The Angel"  but I've also heard people use "The Leopard," "The Sphinx," "The Gladiator," "The Marshmallow," and "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance."







6. BONUS: For When You're Victorious!
And, at the end of the day, you are victorious. The danger is over. It's time to roll credits! None of these make great endings to a Jack Bauer-like day. You need some "pat yourself on the back" music. Trust me. No one is going to give it to you, so you've got to do it for yourself!

So,the next time you beat down the Young Turks, or escape some crack dealers, or force choke some whining do-gooder, or save your family from a gaggle of kidnappers, or hop onto the back of a submarine that, for some reason, never actually submerges, then this is the music for you! I may be statin' the obvious, but there is NO BETTER victory music in the universe!!




Now, you're armed with just about everything you need to have a victorious day. The world can be brutal, but I've just given you the tools you need to take it head on and win! You can thank me later. While I wait for your thanks, I'll consider this another victory for me. Cue the music!

"Da di da daaaaaaa. Da di daaaaaa. Da di di daaaaaa. Da di da di da...."

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Did I miss any? Let me know if you hear your own music and what it is!

Geraud

2 comments:

  1. Aahhh, fond memories of our courageous escape from the land of the sand sniping spiders whilst whistling along with our favorite Benny Hill episode! What wacky adventures we had in our Storm-Boy days!!!! Like the time we ended up on the planet Mongo (don't ask how, THAT is a whole different story. Anyway, here we were, the G-man and I on Mongo wondering if we would ever play football for the Jets again, when our girlfriends Dale Arden (we each had one, they were twins with the same name) were captured by the evil Emperor Ming. Luckily, we remembered the classic ditty, "Flash Gordon!" We quickly burst into song sounding suspiciously like Freddy Mercury. After quickly dispatching some freaky monkey dudes and a very young James Bond, we each got the girl and jumped in the War Rocket Ajax for a smooth ride home. Then the Jets cut us both and picked up Tebow and the whole thing went to pot!

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  2. Speaking of...you got the wrong Dale. Yours had a tattoo of Yoda on her hip. Mine had a tattoo of Emmanuel Lewis on her hip. Easy to confuse. I never said anything. I always liked yours better anyway!

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