Wednesday, August 1, 2012

10 Holidays You Need to Know About!


SMOKEY
12" x 12"
Oil on Canvas Board
$125


This is the latest in a series I'm doing of scotch and cigars. I may only do a few of these, depending on their popularity, but I'm having fun with them. I mean, I sort of have to drink the scotch and smoke the cigars in order to do the painting justice. I feel bad about that, but one must suffer for their art.

In case you missed it, July 27th was National Scotch Day. This is a day I have put on my calender since...well, since I found out about it THREE days ago. Here's the problem with a holiday like National Scotch Day: Scotch drinkers are notoriously laid back and the odds of them remembering your birthday, their anniversary or National Scotch Day are just slightly worse than a 3-legged horse winning the Kentucky Derby.

When I found out about my new favorite holiday, I was so busy that I was actually unable to enjoy it. Today, however, I plan on making up for lost time. That means that I have to drink about 6 drams of scotch...on a weekday...probably starting in the morning...but not before taking pictures of each glass so that I can paint them for my fans. Oh, the things I do for my work!

But this isn't ideal. No one wants to miss their favorite lollidray. Sorry, holiday. I might have started already. Nothing like a nice, easy Dewars blended at 8am. Where was I?

Ah, no one wants to miss their favorite holiday. So, I've decided to list for you some holidays that you may not know about. Some of thesshe might become your favorites, just like National Scottish Day is now one of mine. One of thine? One of mind? Why is my glass empty?

1. Backward Day: January 31st
The premise of the day is simple: Do it backwards! Walk backwards, talk backwards, sdrawkcab etirw, play boardgames backwards, run a race from finish line to starting line, wear your clothes backwards. This day is limited only by your imagination. Personally, I'm going to spend the day looking backwards. This would be the wrong day to try following me, CIA operatives...I'm looking at you, Piper Perabo.

Covert affairs? Well, since you asked so nicely.


2. Phil Collins Day: February 15
It's true! There was a time, not too long ago, that I would have reveled in the knowledge of Phil Collins Day. However, if you've read the "Is it Un-American to NOT Love In The Air Tonight" blog entry, then you know that my love for the man has faded, like your grandmother's old crochet pillows. Still, there are others out there who have not heard the news. We should alert them all! Or, we should drink this Johnny Walker Black that I just poured myself.

3. No-Brainer Day: February 27th
This is not a day for idiots. This is not a day that Zombies dread. This is a day for simple tasks, or "no-brainers." If it's easy, do it. Like that "friend" you call every once in awhile. This is not a day for paperwork or solving riddles or studying for economics exams. Let your brain relax. Type-A personalities, put this one on your calendar...and your blackberry...and your google calendars...

4. National Pi Day: March 14 (Get it? Get it???)
This day has been around since 1988. It was officially accepted by the US House of Representatives in 2009. This is the day to celebrate pies, my friends. Make pies, eat pies, throw pies. Just be sure to try something new. Sure, you can have your favorite key lime pie, but try the gooseberry pie while you're at it. Enter a pie eating contest. My favorite: Scotch Pie. Here's a recipe!

5. National Snowman Burning Day: March 20
That's right! It's time to take out all those old snowmen you have in the closet and burn the hell out of them! Wait, no, that's not right. Let me ask this 15-year old Glenfiddich what this day means.
Ah, the Glen says that this is a time for you to put winter behind you. Now, not everyone has snow on March 20th. Here in the great state of Norte Carolina you're as likely to get a meteor in your yard as some snow. But that's alright. Some folks make the snowman out of wood, wire, cloth, etc. It's all about the feeling of it. Make it cool, and then burn that snowy bastard! *urp*

Someone told me there'd be booze!!


6. Go For Broke Day: April 5
Are you a dreamer? Are you a super hero in an old man's body? Do you like gambling? Do you want to talk to that guy in the next cubicle but you're not that kind of girl? Do you want to tell the world you're gay? Do you want to write a great American novel? Do you want to write a great Russian novel? Do you want to be the oldest man to master parkhour? Today is the day, my friend. Today, you take the bull by the horns, point those horns at a china shop you want destroyed, and let that bastard go! Tell the old man what you think of him! Kiss that girl square on the mouth! Walk up to your favorite athlete and shake his hand and tell him/her how much you love them! Streak through downtown! Use all of your inheritance to buy a speedboat! Go out and buy an artist some $1100 scotch!

Jibba-whuuuu???


No, seriously. Go buy that scotch for an artist. Preferably an oil painter. One who blogs.

7. World Sauntering Day: June 19
Get your stroll on! Take it easy. Smell the flowers. Go with the flow. Put some flowers in your hair and slow your stride down, from a caper to a sashay. Try to walk in a straight line. Tell that occifer that you only had 1 drink. I'm gonna saunter over to the freezer and add a cube of ice to my Lagavulin.

8. National Butterscotch Pudding Day: September 19
Bill Cosby is turning over in his grave.

What? He's not dead? Oh. Then...

YAY! Bill Cosby! It's going to be National Butterscotch Pudding Day! Naturally, it's my favorite pudding! My Bill Cosby impersonation is terrible. Here, read this statement in your best Bill Cosby voice:

"I like pudding. I want to get me some pudding. It's National Butterscotch Pudding Day, everybody! Pudding cups and pudding pops and pudding pies. Pudding pudding pudding!"

That didn't sound anything like me!


How did you do? Video it and send it to me and I'll not only post the first three of them, I'll also do a painting of the three people together. That's how drunk I am right now. Get recording! And no, you can't have the painting for free. I'm NEVER that drunk! Send it by 11:59 August 4th and you'll be posted the following week!

9. National Ding-A-Ling day: December 12
No, this is not the day to put your wiener in your friend's fish tank. This is the day to be silly! A real-bell-ringer. There is even a club that is trying to make the word ding-a-ling get more use.

*giggle* I said "ding-a-ling."

DING! Time for more scotch, please!

10. Global Orgasm for Peace Day: December 22
This is my new, second-favorite holiday. It is exactly what you think it is. Wait, I have a soap-box here...

Ahem... "My fellow Americans, non-fellow Japanese, non-partisan Politicians, non-commissioned Officers and non-sequitur Comments. The world is a mess. It is dark and dangerous and foul. Sometimes people do cruel things to one another. Sometimes someone's wife will take away a man's scotch and berate him for drinking at 10 in the morning!

"When you are faced with these adversities and...umm...things that get in your way, or things that hurt you...real bad...you have to take action! You have to fight! You have to refuse to cower in the dark like a frightened rat. You must stand up and say, "NO MORE!"

"We must go into our bedrooms, our kitchens, our pantries. We must go to the dressing room of Victoria's Secret. We must find a soft patch of grass in the woods by our house. We must clear off our boss's desk while she is out to lunch. And only when we are at our designated places, then, my people, we must FORNICATE!

"We must rut, like wild pigs. We must hump as if the world depended on us! We must bang our brains out like we were teenagers at a Twisted Sister concert! Or a...Quiet Riot...or...who do kids listen to, today? Justin Beiber? Ok. We must bang our brains out like we were teenagers at a Justin Beiber concert!!

"And when we are about to reach our ultimate destination, when we are about to breach the doors of our sexual enemy, when we are on the edge of pulling a Mount St. Helens, when the Mexican Army is about to pile into the Alamo, only then should you think peaceful thoughts. Only then should you think about happy things. Only then should you put your positive energy into the world. And suddenly, there will be an eruption of love and energy and life so powerful that all peoples of all the world will feel it! And they will rejoice in the power of peace, the power of love!

"And then, some of us, will sleep. A deep, rumbling sleep that will last for a short refractory period, but during that time there will be peace and harmony and love. And there will be much basking."


What's your favorite abnormal holiday? Share it with us all!

G


5 comments:

  1. international talk like a pirate day. sept 19. duh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no! I ALWAYS miss that one! I remember it on the 20th, maybe every single year. I'm putting it on my calendar.

      Delete
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