1. If your good friend is suffering from a lack of self confidence, stage a bank robbery (or something related to their job, like a printer jam or some bad coding or a pissed off customer) so that they can get their confidence back!
"Holy smokes, Dave! That wastepaper basket is on fire!"
"Wait! I'm a fireman! I thought I was terrible but I bet I can put that out with no problem! Thanks for alerting me. You're a good friend!"
2. If your kid wants to give a couple pennies to charity, you should probably ask him his reasoning before you send the kid to bed without supper. Unless it's a ginger kid. You can do whatever you want to those kids.
3. Do as you say and do as you do...wait. Don't do as you say but do as you...no...Your kid should do as you say but not as you do...hmmm...
Look, if you tell your kid about being honest, don't go making up shit about an old cannon just so you can sell it!
4. When your aunt makes a bunch of pickles with kerosene, don't replace them with store-bought pickles. Something bad is going to happen.
|This pickle is just another sign of arrested development!|
I didn't learn this lesson early enough. One of my friends decided to sell lemonade when I was a kid. But she didn't know you were supposed to put sugar in it. Me and a friend tasted it and it was gross. But, instead of telling her (she was very cute) we went home and got money and bought all of it and drank it in front of her to prove how tasty it was. After that, she would always give us lemonade. Blerg!
5. What goes around comes around. Or maybe, absolute power corrupts. Or watch who you screw on the way up because they will laugh at you on the way down. Maybe...screw it. Look, if you're gonna give someone a ticket for an illegal u-turn you can't just do that same thing right in front of them! You will never hear the end of it!
6. When your kid comes home and tells you he met a man who can blow smoke out of his ears, has twelve extra hands, and gives him a gift, you should believe him. Wait...maybe that's ridiculous. No, if you're kid comes home and tells you he met a man in the woods named Mr. McBeevee and that he can blow smoke out of his ears, then that kid is likely blowing smoke up your ass and you should send him to bed without dinner. And maybe send him to a shrink.
|I met a man, McBeevee, and he danced for you in worn out shoes.|
7. When an ex-con is coming to pay your friend a visit, you do what you gotta do to protect them. Even if it means getting yourself tied up a little.
8. Special forces, you should consider this fancy move: Instead of bombs or raids or expensive rockets, why don't you get a goat and have him eat a little dynamite!?! Then you can lead him to the enemy and just wait for that goat to eat some blasting caps or something. I'm sure that will work! You know how hard it is to lead a goat out of town!?!
9. This happens to me all the time and I wish my friends would learn this valuable lesson. When something happens, like a cave-in or something, and people start trying to help you out...LET THEM! Dude, why steal a guy's thunder??? He's putting in some effort to do something nice for you. Don't just pop out and say, "Awww, thanks, loser. But turns out I don't need your help afterall. Thanks for the wasted effort!" How about you get your ass back in that cave and wait for your buddy to give you a hand.
Here are some more real life examples: If I bring you some coffee because I was, I don't know, thinking about you and wanted to do something nice, then hide the coffee you bought yourself and smile. Say, "Oh, thanks! I really wanted some coffee," while you pour your original coffee into the potted plant.
Oh, maybe if someone says, "Hey buddy, I heard you were sick so I made you some soup" (when, what they really did was go out of their way to get fresh ingredients to make you a soup and then brought it over despite having a lot of shit to do) how about instead of saying, "aww, someone else who was a little faster on the draw and who just ran to Costco already brought me some, and I don't really like carrots, but that was sort of sweet anyway." Maybe you give them a huge smile and say, "holy crap, carrot soup! How did you know?!?" and then drink it down like it was the last glass of water on the planet!
|Bird is the word!|
...you gotta take care of your own mistakes. I'm statin' the obvious but people seem to forget it. You drop something, pick it up. You hurt someone, make amends. You ruin a project at work, don't try to NOT fix it. Don't cop to the issue but then hope it just goes away. Fix it! If a little kid can shoot a mama bird with a sling shot and then nurse the baby chicks until they are able to live on their own, then I'm sure you can call that client and apologize for losing their paperwork and then make sure they get everything they were promised plus a little extra for wasting their time.
Live by these rules and you'll be known as one of the most moral men or women on the planet!
How about you guys? Any Andy Griffith lessons you learned that have stuck with you? Maybe just some favorite episodes that I missed? Add them to the comments section! I'd love to hear about them.