Monday, June 18, 2012

7 Prequels We WANT to See!

Darwin, you hack!
Last week I made an incredibly compelling argument for why prequels suck. So compelling that you may be seeing it in a magazine or in your English Lit classes at Harvard one of these days. It was that good.

Still, there were a few examples of good prequels. Not many. In fact, there were only three: The Godfather II, the latest Star Trek movie, and the Hobbit.

But I don't think it has to be that way. I think there are some movies and books that BEG to be prequelled. Is that a word? Maybe you'll be seeing that in your Harvard classes too!

LIST OF THINGS THAT SHOULD BE PREQUELLED: A Highly Intelligent Piece of Literature Recommended to All Harvard Students, by Geraud Staton

1. Gilligan's Island
Don't tell me I'm the only one who thought it. JnnyB thought it. Are we the only ones? Wasn't it a strange group of people to be gathered together on the Minnow? Didn't Thurston Howell have his own yacht? He must have! And even though the Minnow wasn't a high-priced sailing barge, I'm there was no way the Professor could have afforded such a cruise on his salary. And in what world would Ginger, who represents Mean Girls everywhere, have befriended the nerdy and awkward MaryAnne?

I suspect something else is involved. And I point the finger at Gilligan! No one can be that inept. I smell a ruse...

Nine months before that fateful day, Gilligan MacGillicudy is sailing alone. A highly competent sailor, but something goes awry. His gear goes, as sailors call it, wonky. He gets lost in a mist. Then, he appears on a mysterious island. While there, he explores. He manages to defend himself against beasts, a polar bear, and the island's mysterious denizens. He meets a smoke monster and the smoke monster tells Gilligan to bring a very specific list of people to the island, for they need to audition for the role of the next protector through a series of laff-a-lympic-type tomfoolery. The show will be called Lost On Gilligan's Island.
I will gather them by seeming inept, oh great smoke monster!

2. Super Troopers 
This police romp was very funny. But have you ever wondered how they got together in the first place??? I mean, they must have gone through a police academy or something, right? And maybe they were all there at the same time. That would be HILARIOUS! I mean, no one's done that before. A bunch of silly cops WHILE THEY ARE GOING THROUGH THE POLICE ACADEMY! That's genius!!

Maybe one of them can make crazy sounds or something. That might be pushing it. No, I don't think that it is. I want someone who can sound like a siren AND a ringing telephone AND a robot.  Oh my god, this is going to be priceless!

3. The Origin of Species by Charles Darwin
Is it just me, or did Darwin leave a lot of unanswered questions? What a hack.

4. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
The Grinch is one sad, angry sonuvabitch. I can't help but wonder: what made the Grinch such a sourpuss? I mean, Darth Vader, sure. Everyone was curious, but not THAT curious. Everyone knows that power corrupts, so Darth's turn to the dark side wasn't so strange. Not to mention that Emperor guy. We all knew he had something to do with it. The Emperor was a douche! If you didn't see that coming then you were a fool.

But the Grinch? He has no Emperor pulling his strings. He has no real power, unless you count the power to throw a giant pine tree through a chimney. I've tried to do that and let me tell you, that shit is HARD! It took me, like, 14 tries. Pine needles were everywhere!

So, if there was no Emperor and no power to corrupt him, what made the Grinch such a dick? (whom I think was named Raymond Grintskowski but people just called him "The Grinch" when he was a quarterback at Whoville High...which might explain his throwing arm)

During World War Who, Captain Raymond Grintskowski was serving on the Star Bellied Sneetch Machine Wing when he was assaulted and stranded behind enemy lines. He and three of his men, Private Where, Lt. Y. Gothere, and field surgeon Dr. Who, remained hidden successfully for 7 days and nights. Then, on the eve of Christmas, Captain Grintskowski decided to risk the crew so that they could steal some roast beast. It was Christmas, afterall. But they were spotted and tried to flee. Y. Gothere and Private Where were killed by thrown birdcages, while Dr. Who stepped into a blue telephone box and was never seen again. Capt. Grintskowski cracked up at the loss of his friends and swore he would never again risk anything for the sake of Christmas.

Then, he bought a dog. I don't know why he bought a dog. Maybe he was going to eat him or something.
No! Don't go in there!!

5. Firefly: Inara Learns to *%&#
Is it just me, or don't we all want to see what sort of stuff she learned? I mean, she's supposed to be the most sought after companion in all the region, right? Why? What the hell does she know? What can she do that is so amazing? I want to see! Maybe she should write a book about it called "50 Shades of Browncoats." I'd read it.
The first one is free!

6. Back to the Future 
Time travel is tricky. But a prequel that takes place AFTER Marty McFly is long dead, but for some reason Doc Brown is still alive and then he goes back to when Marty is still alive but before he knew Doc Brown and they go on an adventure where they go to the past but after Marty's parents are already together. But something goes wrong and he can't get back and he has to stay stuck there until Scott Bakula can come in, take over Marty McFly's body, teach him some valuable lesson and Quantum Leap them both back to where they are supposed to be.

I don't think it would be confusing at all. It would clear up a lot of stuff.

7. The Smurfs
Did you know that "Smurf" is the sound someone makes when they
have a mouthful of something and they try to talk? "Smurf smurf smurf smurf!"

Note: See how easily I could have made that dirty and didn't?

Where the hell do these little bastards come from??  They ain't natural! Why does Gargamel want to eat them? Do they taste like blueberries or something? No one knows.

Well...someone knows...

It's 1984 and Franciscan Monk Reynaldo Gargamel was out picking blueberries. He smurfin' loved blueberries! What he didn't know was that they had been using DDT on this blueberry patch. He took the blueberries to his monastery, and showing great restraint he saved his berries until later, first sharing his haul with the other 99 monks. Very smurfy, indeed.

Unfortunately, the DDT was manufactured by the Umbrella Corporation of Racoon City. Gargamel went to sleep and when he woke up everyone from the monastery had turned into tiny blue monsters. Not smurfy! He felt so guilty, he's been trying to gather the smurfing bastards ever since. Unfortunately, Gargamel is cracking up and he sometimes thinks the Smurfs are the blueberries he once loved so much and he tries to make pies out of them. We'll smurf more about that in the prequel sequel.

So, there you have it, Harvard. My list of Prequels we want to see. 

If any of you have some other ideas you want me to include in my Harvard packet, just put them in the comments section!