Monday, June 4, 2012

10 Alternate Titles for Snow White and the Huntsman

I had high hopes for Snow White and the Huntsman. The special effects from the trailers looked amazing. Charlize Theron was as beautiful as a Summer mojito. Chris Hemsworth was working his scruffy hotness like a pro. This should be the perfect date movie. I gathered TheWife and we went off for what should be the greatest love/adventure story since Romancing the Stone.

Some of you will like the movie. Hell, some of you will LOVE the movie. The ones that love Snow White and the Huntsman are probably going to be the same people that loved the Twilight movies. This movie was a grade school project, where seven 3rd-graders wrote a story and their bored parents got together and created some kick ass special effects for them. "Look, Timmie! You and your friends wrote this! We're going to put it on the refrigerator!" Unfortunately, that refrigerator was a movie screen in front of me and my peers.

So, why did it suck so bad? I'll tell you why, but there's going to be SPOILERS: Here's my review.

Snow White and the Best Build Up Ever: The first 10 minutes of this movie was A-MAZING! The story was engrossing. The actors did a great job. I was drawn in and really cared what happened to the characters. The special effects started with a bang. Then, Kristen Stewart started acting.

Snow White and The...Wait, Why Are You Pouting?: Apparently Kristen Stewart went to the Hayden Christensen School of Acting. Pouting does not equal emoting. You need more than two facial expressions to make it in this business. Unless you're David Caruso, and who knows what sort of deal HE made with the devil to keep getting work.
Look! I'm acting!

Snow White and the World's Most Convenient Horse: By now we all know deux ex machina is a writing sin.  I'm statin' the obvious with that one, right?

Snow White is in prison. For years. On this particular day, however, a bird flies in and lands on a nail. Apparently she's never noticed this giant nail before. Thank god, because today some pervy dude wants to grope her so here's to perfect timing! She uses her crazy, pent-up, living in the dark, eating rat bones prison strength to rip the nail out of the castle wall, slashes pervy brother in the face, and makes a very energetic run for it. But, it is a well-guarded, heavily fortified keep, after all. How ever will she escape? I know, let's give her an open sewer grate large enough to push Kevin James through! Problem solved!

Snow wades through all of the castle's piss and shit and makes her way to where the sewage runs into the ocean. But the bad guys are right after her! So, taking a page from the Fugitive she makes a daring leap into the sea...which would have been more daring had a bunch of dwarves not used that same entrance to break into the castle. These writers have thought of everything!

Now, here's the good part. Snow gets out of the water, stinking of shit and duck fat and crotch, and what does she find: A white horse. It's just sitting there. Lounging. Chillin'. Nothing to do but sit on the rocky shore where the sewage comes out. Worst mistake that horse ever made, because Snow rides that sonovabitch into a mud bog and lets it drown. Ouch!

Snow White and the Mirror of Bad Taste: The mirror and I need to have a talk. In what universe is Kristen Stewart hotter than Charlize Theron??? Unless "fairest one of all" means "best pouter" than the Mirror has made a grave mistake.

Snow White and the Dwarves Who Aren't Even Short, Much Less Dwarves: Are there no Little People in Hollywood? You couldn't find 7 ACTUAL Dwarves? Instead, you gotta pay Ian "Deadwood" McShane, Bob "I Need The Money" Hoskins, Ray "Look, I'm Not Playing A Cop" Winstone, and Nick "I Don't Need Simon Pegg, I'm My Own Man, I Mean It" Frost? You couldn't find 7 people from the cast of Little Women?

(Note From TheWife: "Having acting in the role of "Jo" in Little Women, I can assure you that there were no little people in the book nor the play. Don't be too hard on him. The play didn't have any explosions so it's no wonder he didn't see it.")

Snow White and the Patronus: Why was that thing in the movie? Why the hell was there a whole fairy village, and why was their king a giant, white, Harry Potter patronus with two trees for antlers? It was no Aslan, that's for damned sure. It just stood there and bowed and then got shot with an arrow. Snow White, why do all the white animals around you die? I don't know, but I know this: Siegfried and Roy had better stay away from her ass.
My best friend is a snow fox. The last person I saw him with was you!

Snow White and the Necrophiliacs: Dude. Gross. Snow White doesn't fall asleep. She doesn't slip into a coma. Her ass is dead. Dead like Chris Farley. Deader. Stone dead. Is it enough to get one guy, who hadn't seen her in years, by the way, to kiss her dead-assed lips? No. We have to get TWO dudes to give her passionate, tear stained kisses. Sloppy seconds is bad enough, Huntsman. When you get sloppy seconds from a dead chick, you have really sunk as low as you're ever gonna get.

Snow White and the Least Motivational Speech: Snow White is alive! Hip hip hurry and get to the end! Back to life, unlike Tupac, Snow White attempts to rally the troops. Here are some of the best movie motivational speeches:
#1 The St. Crispin's Day speech.
#4 The Braveheart speech.
#24 The Goonies speech. "This is OUR time!"
#63 Apollo Creed speech where he helps Rocky get the Eye of the Tiger
#194 Team America: World Police Dicks speech.
#387 The Snow White back from the dead speech. This speech didn't make me want to fight. It made me want to try on my pajamas, or see if I could get this fig sauce to reduce properly. Mostly, this speech made me want to tie Snow White up and deliver her to the Queen myself. The HOT Queen.

Snow White and the Worst Castle Defense EVER: Look around the room. Choose from amongst all who sit near you. Pick the worst strategist ever. Give them this choice: You could either be a) Inside a well-fortified keep, archers along the wall, trebuchets that fire giant flaming balls of oil, and only 1 entrance, or b) riding on horses toward a well defended keep on a strip of land about a mile long and 50 yards wide while archers rain arrows down on you and two trebuchets drop giant balls of flaming oil balls down on you? No, don't give them any help. Let them decide.
Have fun storming the castle!

Let me answer for you if you just can't figure it out. The world's worst strategist, having no thumbs, and an army of twelve drunkards, including Alec Baldwin and Danny Bonaduce, could defend this keep against the goddamned Spartans, much less a herd, a gaggle, a rag-tag fugitive fleet of farmers and goat herders led by a girl who, as far as I know, never rode a horse other than that 1 really convenient and now-dead white horse from earlier.

Snow White and the Luckiest Victory Ever: And here it is. The end. Somehow, with the whole world battling in the courtyard downstairs, Snow White manages to fight her way through the masses and into the Queen's chamber. Just the two of them. No one else fought that way. No one else thought, "hey, let's try to get inside the castle through that open doorway rather than stay clumped up in a killing field like a medieval clown car."

The fight begins and Snow is getting her ass kicked. Which is to be expected. The Queen can turn into black crows and shit. Snow White gets all white animals killed. I'm giving the odds 50/50. Snow White is getting batted around like Stewart Little in the Lion's Den. But alas! Alack! What's this? Snow White somehow manages to jab Charlize with some dagger or Cherokee arrow head or a Crayola crayon. I can't be sure what it was or where it came from, but that was all it took. Charlize is dying and I wanted to run to her, to hold her, to make her all better. WHAT JUST HAPPENED???

Snow White and the Huntsman was a terrible movie. Beautiful but with little else to it. Like Megan Fox. Frankly, I would have rather watched Megan Fox stink up the Transformers some more.

So, unless you loved Twilight, or the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants II, you're not going to like it. Me,  I'm going to try to watch something with better writing. Maybe Blade Trinity or Nacho Libre.



  1. I have no doubt your review is more entertaining than the actual movie! Good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Your review makes me want to go to the movie just to see the bad acting, the huge dwarves and the poor, dead white animals. Maybe the movie would have been better if they had made a helicopter out of the Patronus.

  3. I managed to miss this one the first time around. I LOVE THIS review. Never saw it, hate Kristin Stewart...loved this review! April

  4. It doesn't help that Snow White is Kristen Stewart, an actress who seems to have just the one expression at her command and it is one of pained peevishness. Even when she's smiling, she's peeved.