Thursday, May 10, 2012

Gage Just Wants to Play!

I spend a lot of time thinking. This is good for me, but bad for you. Unless you're a philosophy major and you don't care about anything serious. In that case, we can be great friends.

Regardless, I now know where Zombies come from. They come from the Pet Sematary. I'm sure I'm not the first person to learn this. I've never been first in anything. Well, I was the first to get kicked out of the running for Prom King. Who wants to be Prom King anyway?

Pet semataries (when the author spells it wrong intentionally, do the rules of pluralization still apply? Let's assume not.)

Pets Semateri have the power, thanks to those wacky Micmac Indians, to bring the dead back to life. Drop your dead cat in there, and you get a zombie cat by morning. This is great if you have some control over the damned thing. Otherwise, you're probably going to be killed later that night. But with some planning you've got a pet that will never die again. The trade off is that it will never be cuddled again, but who cares? I hate cats anyway!

Now, what about your grandma? What if your kid gets hit by a truck? (Can I just say, that kid looked pretty damned good to have gotten the creamed corn treatment from a speeding semi. Am I right?!)
He played with mommy, and he played with Judd.
 Now he wants to play with you!

Drop them in a Peti Sematarium or a Micmac burial ground and voila! Just like new. No scars, no seepage, and all smiles. Just keep the sharp knives away from them and you should be all set. And because they have crazy dead-people strength you can use them to plow the fields. This latter is only good if you happen to be a farmer. If you're a school teacher there may not be any real use for zombies with dead-people strength. Furniture movers on the other hand? Score! Think of some other professions that could use some extra dead-people strength. Seriously, go ahead. I'll wait.

Ok, so, keep going with this thought and it will give The Walking Dead a whole new wrinkle. I suspect that by the end of season 3 the writers of The Walking Dead are going to share with us the cause of the zombie virus. It won't be some government conspiracy or a biological attack. I'm here to tell you that the answer will be "a plethora of Micmac burials grounds!"

I'm Gage Creed, bitch!

I'm sorry, I should have warned that there would be spoilers in this post. Too late now! In honor of this revelation, I am creating a drinking game.

  • Watch The Walking Dead 
  • Take 1 drink anytime someone says Micmac Burial Ground
  • Take 5 drinks anytime someone says Pet Sematary or any of it's possible plurals such as, but not limited to:  Pets Semateri, Peti Sematarium, Petia Semataris, Pete Sampras, Peter Scolari, or Peter Sellers. Trust will be TRASHED in no time!
As always, you can thank me later! Now, I'm off to do some more research. I am pretty sure that there is a link between Arrested Development and Hancock. I just have to figure out what it is...


No comments:

Post a Comment