Monday, May 21, 2012

Damn You, Red John!

Patrick Jane is smarter than you!
I watched the season finale of The Mentalist. Patrick Jane is my fictional hero, along with the Edmond Dantes (Count of Monte Cristo), Tony Stark, John Crichton (Farscape), and Spenser (from the novels, not the TV show).

It made me want to write a letter to the writers. I haven't sent it yet, because I'm not a total nerd, but I'm just nerdy enough that I'm considering it. I'll try not to hit with any major spoilers, but it wouldn't hurt if you've already seen the finale. Without further ado, a quick letter to the writers of The Mentalist:

Dear Geniuses,

Look, you guys have created a character in Patrick Jane that is of near-Batman proportions. He's a genius, dark, sometimes on the verge of evil. He's possibly the most brilliant man that has ever lived in a reality-based-but-fictional world, on the level with Sherlock Holmes or the niece from Inspector Gadget. I'd bet on Patrick Jane against just about any other fictitious character on television. That is the problem.

In stringing this Red John thing along for all this time, you are saying that Red John is at least as smart as Patrick, but probably more so. He's charismatic, as we can see with all the followers he's gained. And not just general followers, like a group of losers who follow the one guy in the group because he has good hair, despite all evidence that he, too, is a loser. No sir, Red John's followers are die-hard! These people are f'ucking crazy! They will kill you, your family, and your pets. They will dig up your dead pets and eat them and make you watch. They will sit in the dark, flay their own fingers, and paint a pretty picture with the blood. And you will be mesmerized the whole time. And they will not break, no matter what you do to them.

You have made it so that if Red John is anything short of an evil version of Jesus (meaning regular Jesus but with a black goatee) than you are going to let us down. Big time! When you finally reveal Red John to us, he had better be played by an actor of such amazing talent that the viewers want to jump through the screen and become Red John Disciples on the spot! Whoever this poor sonova bitch is, he had better be the greatest actor who ever lived!

Or, this creepy bastard!
Honestly, you fooled me. I thought I had it figured out. But, alas, my first choice for Red John is now dead. That would have been great, Writers. I would have been impressed. Now, I am dubious. You are going to have to pull out all the stops, and not Smoke-Monster us.

(Bestest and I replaced "Jumping the Shark," a term from 1977, with "Smoke Monstering" thanks to the world's greatest television let-down. Writers from Lost, what the hell where you thinking??? A SMOKE MONSTER!?! REALLY??  I was expecting Shaggy to jump on the screen and yell, "Zoinks! Like, it's a sma-ma-ma-ma-ma-moke monster, man!" Then Scooby would get all googly-eyed and yell, "Sroke Ronster??" Idiots.)

This term jumped the shark over a decade ago.

Where was I? Oh yes... Writers of the Mentalist: DO NOT SMOKE MONSTER US! You have an incredible job ahead of you. Red John had better be all you've made him to be.

Or, as my grandmother used to say, "If you're going to try to get a girl home by telling her you're hung like a horse, you had better take a note from your grandfather: deliver what you promised!"

Thanks, Grandma. Sage advice as always.

Writers, don't let me or my grandma down.
PS: We could also use more Lisbon shower scenes.


Geraud "I Want to Be a Red John Disciple" Staton


  1. LOVE IT. My husband thinks it's Garret Dillahunt, of Sarah Connor Chronicles fame, Raising Hope Fame, and other stuff. He's got good range. Terrifying and hilarious. It sounded like his voice on the phone.

    His other alternatives are Patrick Jane himself -- wouldn't that be the best mindfuck ever??!! -- or Wayne Rigsby.

    Your thoughts?

    And who did you think it was that is now dead? You knew it wasn't Bradley Whitford, right...?

  2. Oh, you thought it was the head of the CBI -- can't remember his name. Yeah, we pondered that for a minute too. DAMMIT! I'm tired!

  3. Yeah, that would have been too easy if it was him, though he did a GREAT job at it. I wanted to believe it was him. Now, it's either someone we haven't met or one of three people. Britt Stiles (Malcolm McDowell), that FBI chick, or Van Pelt. I hope it's Van Pelt! I think everyone else is alibied out. Plus, the idea that it's a woman will surprise EVERYONE!

  4. Plus it would be cool if her fiance wasn't actually working with Red John and he just figured h er out and she had to shoot him. Or something? Whatever, this show is giving me a migraine! There best be some good answers next season!

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