Thursday, May 17, 2012

5 Reasons You and I Need to Work Out

Here at Staton the Obvious, I strive to bring you timely information. You won't be left behind if you listen to me. So, here is some advice that you may not have heard before. You need to work out!

What???? But, why? I hear the wailing and lamenting. But don't worry. I'm going to tell you why. And the reasons aren't pretty.

1 Because you did not look like this a few years ago

Look, I know it came as a surprise. Your subconscious must have known, because you have been avoiding mirrors for the past few years. Or maybe you've been pretending you were invisible from the neck down. Sure, what's above the shoulders is STUNNING. I mean, like, crazy hot. Like, dope phat. It all balances out, so what's the big deal?

The good news is that I doubt you have any medical stuff to worry about. I mean, I'm no doctor but I'm sure having 20, 30, or 40 extra pounds on your body doesn't actually HURT you in any way, right? I'd bet money on it. Not MY money, but someone's money.

2 Because you make this face on push up number 6

I know it hurts. It just hurts a little too soon. If you're about to explode your colon trying to do push up number 6, then you probably need less combo number 5. Don't you watch television?? In sitcoms people do push up competitions all the time. These guys are doing 20, 30, 90, or 786 push ups at a time. Are you going to let David Schwimmer do more push ups than you? No way!

3 Because last time you were eating a double quarter pounder you saw this:

I know. She's gorgeous. And you just spilled ketchup drool on your Hawaiian shirt. You can bet she and her friends are not going to be talking about you later tonight.

   "Oh my god, Cheyenne, you should have been at the beach earlier today. Me and Gidget were minding our own, like, business. There was this guy sitting there and he was stunning!"
   "Was he hot, Bambi?"
   "It wasn't that. It's that he was so luciously, lovingly, tastily obese! I just wanted to sit on his lap as if he was Santa and tell him everything I ever wanted!"
   "Why didn't you?"
   "What would he ever see in me? He'd never look at me the way he looked at that Double Quarter Pounder with extra cheese."
   "You're too hard on yourself, Bambi. If he can't appreciate you for who you are on the inside than he isn't worth your time!"

Keep dreamin', Fluffer-Nutter.

4 Because one of these bitches just called you 'cuddly'

Have you ever called a 40-year old woman "Ma'am?" You didn't mean anything by it. You were being respectful. But you reminded her that she isn't as young as she'd like to be. An innocent mistake. But you aren't getting a date with her now, so set your sights someplace else, Romeo.

You think this little imp of a girl is calling you fat? She's not. She LOVES your cuddliness.You're like a body pillow, or that weird little Snuggle bear, or a giant panda, or Danny DeVito...all things girls likes to cuddle up next to. But that doesn't mean you want to hear it. Men, what would you prefer:

     a) "Wow, your chest is so hard. Ooo, and your arms. Ooo, and your legs! Ooo, and your..."
or b) "Wow, you are cuddly! Soft like that Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. Ooo, your gut is so soft!"

5 Because you can't do a single pull up

Yikes! Did you see that face? And dude, you shouldn't be grunting like that unless you're trying to pass a tennis ball out of your ass. I'm just saying.

Any of these hit too close to home? Time to turn off "Dancing With the Stars" and join me. You're seeing the "BEFORE" shots. The "AFTER" shots are coming in 163 days. Embarassing? Maybe. Ok, definitely. But just you wait.

As Jack "the Joker" Nicholson said, "Wait till they get a load of me."



  1. Seriously funny and seriously close to home bro. I'll join ya...I ain't postin' no pics, but I'll join ya.

  2. Geraud, Dude you crack me up! Excellent!

  3. you are too funny. love that you can laugh at yourself!

  4. Another great blog! Best of luck!!!!!

  5. A lesson to us all. Time to put my running shoes back on.

  6. Hahhaha you cracked me up I am rolling around laughing here!!! I will definitely be sharing this for all my chubby friends to read!!! Great post! I love it!!