Saturday, January 17, 2015

What's Up With Rectangular Holes?...or Sam and Dean Aren't So Hot!


I don't watch much television. Not anymore. There was a time in my life that I watched 3-5 hours of TV a day. It was what I did after work. I had anywhere from 15 to 20 different television shows that I watched regularly.  Needless to say, I didn't grow much during those years. That was a good 3 years of my life that I will never get back. But, who didn't want to be cool like Tony Soprano? Who didn't want to have a group of friends like Rachel and Monica and Chandler that you could sleep with occasionally? Who didn't want to kill a vampire, or drink coffee in Stars Hollow, or have a shape-shifting meatball as a teammate?

But, there was something that I noticed about my TV heroes. Something that no one had pointed out to me.

My TV heroes never actually watched television!

   Blog Reader: So, wait. You're telling me that Max from Dark Angel didn't watch television?

   Me: That's right, Blog Reader. Not once that I can remember.

In fact, in all those shows, you know who WAS watching television? The victim of some crime, right before they got killed. In the X-Files, if you were watching television before the opening sequence it just meant that a fluke man was about to turn into smoke and suck your lungs out of your face! [Edit: I think he just combined two episodes and the plot of Lost into that one description - TheWife]

Trust me. This bastard is about to die a very horrible death!


In Law and Order, if you were watching television then someone was about to break into your house and bludgeon you with an ax handle...or rape you if this was SVU you were watching. John Crichton might have watched TV in that one episode of Farscape when he took Aeryn back to Earth to meet his family, but that was right before he left Earth again to save it from alien attack.

Willie Nelson's heroes may have always been cowboys, but my heroes never actually watched a bunch of television because they were out doing shit to save the world/get the girl/rescue some dude/pay the rent/discover worm-hole technology (again)/stop Mojo Jojo from being a total dick!

Not to say that I don't watch television AT ALL. I do. I watch a few shows. I mean, I'm not a total freak or anything. In fact, that leads me to the original reason I came to the blog today.

See, I started watching Supernatural. I know I'm late to the party. But, I never had a thing for hot brothers and the only people I knew that really liked the show were ladies. They always had a great argument for watching the show, but they ruined said argument by swooning at the mention of The Brothers.

THEN...
   "Geraud, you would LOVE it! There are vampires and werewolves and shit!"
   "Really," I would say. "I love that shit!"
   "Yeah. And, eventually, they talk about angels. That's your damned nickname, son! How could you not like it??"
   "Yeah," I would agree. "I LOVE shit with angels in it!"
   "You would love this car they drive. You used to have a '76 Cutlass, right?"
   "I got so much tail in that car," I would proclaim. "This show sounds like it has everything!"
   "Yeah. And the brothers...<swoon>"

After that, I would have to spend about 20 minutes reviving the woman who was telling me about the show. Let's just say that it was awkward. And it didn't only happen once. It happened constantly. It was worse when two or three women were telling me about the show. Mass hot-feinting is a pain in the ass.

I started to assume that the show actually sucked but women had to justify the reactions that their loins produced. Kind of like when I tried to convince my then-girlfriend that I watched Xena: Warrior Princess because it was good TV and not because of hot chicks in bikinis swinging swords.

Oh Gabrielle. I miss our weekly trysts!


So, I avoided the CW version of Fifty Shades of Grey and instead tried to figure out why Gil Grissom was always so grumpy despite getting work around cool ass murders all the time.

NOW...
Now I'm watching Supernatural with TheWife...shit! Hang on a second. She just feinted in a pool of her own saliva.

Ok, I'm back. So, we're watching that show that I call "Drinking With the Winchesters." I'll explain that one in the next post. I love the show. We watch a couple episodes with dinner as our quality time. Then, TheWife goes to bed dreaming of becoming a ghost so that she can be chased by the whole Winchester family while I plan my workouts for the next day because I do not feel good after watching these hot people hunt demons while TheWife had her head resting on my soft, pillow-like gut.

Which leads me to the one real problem I have with the show. This whole post as led up to this one issue:

Why the hell do they dig rectangular graves???

In the show they spend about 30% of the time driving around, another 15% of the time having Dean hit on girls, 5% of the time showing the world their hard bodies, 15% of the time crying about something they have to do or already did or one of their parents did, 15% of the time being snarky, and the remaining...carry the one...seven plus...umm...20% of the time digging up graves and pouring salt in them.

It's that last 20% that bothers me. See, somehow they always dig that fucking hole PERFECTLY. I mean, right on top of the grave they are about to desecrate. Not only are they always spot on, which may not be that hard since there IS a grave marker on top of them, but they also dig the hole in a perfect rectangle.

"Hey Dean, do you have the T-square? I really need to finish this up."


Look at those corners! You couldn't square this corner up any better if you were a god damned carpenter! They dig straight down, too. Those walls don't have even a quarter degree of slope! They dig like the dwarves of god damned Middle Earth.

Have the writers ever actually dug a hole before? It sucks. Hard. And digging a neat hole is so much extra work that it's not even worth it. And they put all the dirt in a neat pile, too? No! I say, no way! The Winchester boys are NOT that perfect! And I will not accept these perfect grave holes. I might not be able to do anything about those pecs, but I will not stand by and have my hole-digging compared to Sam and Dean's, too. No sir!

Now, if you will excuse me, we have the season 2 finale to get through. Some shit just got real!